Writing Better Femdom Fiction - 4

Lesson 4: We don't feel it unless the character feels it.

(Or: stop and smell the leather!)

The point of fun femdom fiction is to evoke an emotion in the reader, usually anticipation lightly salted with fear.

To do this, I'm still amazed that some erotic writers attempt to accomplish this by prose that looks like the following:

They stripped him of all his clothes. The girls got him hard, but wouldn't let him cum as they teased him again and again. They made him lick their feet and their pussies and then put him in a chastity belt!

Besides being an omni-fuck scene, why does it all happen in third-person god narration? How are we supposed to feel emotions watching the scene play out as if we were looking down on it from Mt. Olympus?

To make your readers feel just a sliver of the emotion your characters are going through, you have to put those character emotions and reactions on the page, in visceral high-def. And you have to do it in a very specific order (we'll get to the order later).

Consider this narration:

My Mistress smiled and pulled out a bottle of lube.

Okay... um, how are we supposed to feel about that? Look at the difference if we follow that sentence with three different types of character reaction.

Compare this:

My Mistress smiled and pulled out a bottle of lube.

My knees almost buckled in relief. She was finally going to let me cum!

versus:

My Mistress smiled and pulled out a bottle of lube.

My knees started shaking. I couldn't take another round of teasing! Not now!

versus:

My Mistress smiled and pulled out a bottle of lube.

My asshole clenched immediately.

That was putting a visceral emotion into the scene, using just knees and assholes. What could you do if you had the whole body to work with?

We feel it because the character feels it. Like a punch in the gut.

When you are wondering HOW to put high def emotion into a scene without making it a hair-pulling melodrama, just remember the phrase “Like a punch in the gut.” It's a good old standby from dime-store detective novels and it still works. You don't have to use the literal phrase every time in your writing, but it's a better placeholder than you would think. Consider:

“And one last thing,” she laughed. “Strip.”

The word hit me like a punch in the gut.

Right away, we know that isn't a fun stripping situation he's gotten himself into. How about this:

She reached into her toybox. When she turned back to show me her selection, it was like a punch in the gut. 

“How about we use the EIGHT inch strap-on today?”

We instantly know that man's feeling about the size of strap-on he can take. Here's the trick, here's the order that will work every time, because it's how humans work:

Emotional reaction first. Intellectual reaction second.

Let's play those above scenes out a little bit more. First one:

“And one last thing,” she laughed. “Strip.”

The word hit me like a punch in the gut.

This was my secretary! Even if I let her blackmail me for money, stripping nude was a world of difference! If I did this, how could she even pretend to respect me in the office tomorrow?

Emotional punch in the gut first, intellectual reaction second. Now, our about-to-be-pegged fellow:

She reached into her toybox. What she turned back to show me her selection, it was like a punch in the gut. 

“How about we use the eight inch strap-on today?”

I had never taken that one before, only sucked it!  “Mistress, I don't think I'll be able to...”

“Nonsense,” she laughed, lubing it up. “And either way, I've got ALL night.”

Emotional first, then intellect. A one-two combo: punch to the gut, then the brain.  

By the way, speaking full sentences counts as intellect. Speaking simple reflex phrases like “You've got to be kidding?” or “No fucking way!” count as emotion.  (And notice how her last dialog above gave the scene an uptick of fun energy at the end?  Remember lesson 3!)

Look at the first two sentences of this week's reading, Cocksitter's Club #2:

“Hey Mr. L? What was it like having a free cock you could touch anytime you wanted?”

Robert almost spit out his drink.

In six words, we know exactly what Robert thinks about the appropriateness of that question from his teenage cocksitter. And I probably could have taken out “almost”. And because he feels it strongly, we feel it mildly too.

How about a little later in that same scene:

“So I was wondering, what was it like when you weren't wearing a cage all the time?”

He swallowed. “Well..

Robert swallowing is a little thing. Just two words, easy to overlook when you're writing fast. But it's the tiny emotional punch in the gut to connect us to him, followed by his intellectual action, speaking.

It's the little thing that will makes your stories transfer more emotion to your readers and hit them like a... like a... something. I can't think of the phrase right now.

What are your punching weapons?

Any reaction tells a story, but the ones I find myself using the most are:

He swallowed-

He blushed-

His knees started to shake-

He gulped-

His throat went dry-

For anger you might use:

He clenched his fists-

His pulse started to pound-

He leapt to his feet-

The common human reactions are best because they don't need to be explained. The way to misuse this rule is to do something weird like this:

His left eyelid fluttered uncontrollably, as it always did when Stephen was sexually aroused but also concerned for his health.

Stick to the common human reactions that even a caveman would understand, and you'll be fine.

Alright students in my class, here is the assignment for this lesson. In lesson 3, you had to supply the dialog to a first-time CFNM scene on a European beach. This time, supply the punches in the gut to the dialog I created for that scene below, or use your own dialog you wrote. Put in a one-two combo to make us feel the poor boy's emotions every place you see an XXX, and post that in the comments!

“Oh my god, Rob,” Jamie giggled. “Look what the sign says! One of us HAS to strip!”

XXX

“Rob, don't be such a baby,” Kikki laughed. “We're in Europe, men walk around nude in front of girls all the time.” She giggled, looking at his crotch. “Unless you're afraid you won't measure up.”

XXX

“Here, I'll hold your clothes in my backpack, little brother,” Jamie said, taking his shirt. “That way, when you're nude as a baby, you can know they're somewhere safe.”

XXX

End of scene.

Hope that helped, and do let me know how you're liking the class so far,

P. F. Dee